Poseidon-The Inbred Duckbill Platipus of 2006

I grew up in an area that had this mysterious smell that was truly horrific and no one could discern what it was, where it was coming from and who was doing it. Now, this wasn’t just a local event, in fact in blanketed a fairly large section, encompassing several neighborhoods. But this smell was driving me insane and I was far from being alone. With that said you now know how I feel about Poseidon. Dear God, seriously dear God! This movie is so stupid, so bad, so full of logic errors and silliness that it would actually have been periodically interesting as a Unintentional Hollywood Disaster film if it wasn’t for the fact the a ridiculous and whopping $150-$170 million dollars was plopped down on this duckbill platipus of a flick. Yeah, this thing is that bad. Director Wolfgang Petersen really pissed away a vast fortune of other people’s money on this aquatic turd. This film fails on so many levels and in so many ways it is hard to even check mark them all.

First and foremost, this silly remake should have never, ever, ever been greenlighted. Period. Not only is the concept not a interesting one–a big cruise ship flips over due a mean old ambushing killer wave, but we’ve seen it all before. This is one very unnecessary film. Horrible concept and an even worse script from Akiva Goldsman who was responsible for the freakin’ flaming poo storm that was Batman and Robin, but he also worked on A Beautiful Mind, so go figure, he is wildly inconsistent. This had, “give me my pay check” written all over it. Still this script should end his career, but of course, it won’t.

The second big disaster in this disaster film is Wolfgang Petersen. What the hell is it with Hollywood throwing more and more money at this guy? His films are just sub par, I submit the goofy redneck sea adventure “The Perfect Storm” as my evidence. Obviously, that screen gem pointed the way for a studio executive to say,“we’re doing this horrible ocean based movie, let’s get Wolfgang, he has experience pissing away money in the water.”

The third reason: Wolfgang. Don’t hire guys named Wolfgang, it automatically conjures up images of the Third Reich.

There must be something of value in the film. No. No, there is little of value. Well, a $150-$170 million dollar budget must have meant some really awesome visual effects right? No. The visual effects are uninteresting and have been seen a million times before. The sets are mostly uninspired and far from impressive. In fact, most of the “sets” are really just the cast running from semi-flooded tube or tunnel to another flooded tube or tunnel. Boring. Boring. Boring. Yet, it should be pointed out that the flawed concept and script did not call for any really interesting or cutting edge visual effects.

Reason number five that this film was an unintentional disaster: Josh Lucas. The entire film is really just a device to make “Lucas” into a Hollywood superstar and action hero. No matter how many times we the audience say no, they will just keep throwing him at us until it sticks. Attrition warfare Hollywood style. A) He can’t act, B) he is wildly unlikeable and C) he is too smug perhaps even by LA standards. Need I say more. This is just uncool, give me one Mr. Paulie Shore any day.

So should you see this film? Sure if you like stupid scripts that insult your intelligence and don’t even try, if you like truly boring and redundant clichefests, if you like having Josh Lucas forced down your throat, then sure give this a try, you’ll love it!

Story A+ (JUST KIDDING THIS IS A “F” all the way.)
Acting D (Kurt Russell seems pained by having to pass the “action hero torch” to Lucas but that might just be my imagination, I will admit it.)
Visuals F (Considering the size of the budget, Poseidon stands out as one of the greatest failures in the history of cinema in the visuals department. In fact, I can not think of a worse use of money in recent years. A couple of visually interesting minutes on the front of the film doesn’t make up for sinking $150-$170 million dollar budget.)
Originality/Innovation F
Enjoyability Grade F
Home Theater/HD Factor D
Overall Grade F (Consider this if you actually bypass this review and watch this debacle. $150-$170 million dollars exceeds the budget of any of the Star Wars films. Does it show on the screen? $150-$170 million is nearly enough to produce at least one and half Lord of the Rings films. What were they thinking?)

Stumble It!